Steps forward

And lo and behold! I have taken the first step. Seeing myself through the glass less darkly here, I have had the courage to break it off completely with KD, whose company did not not nourish me. I realized that I was falling in love with him and that he could not reciprocate. I explained to him that it was too painful for me to be "friends" just now. He pretended not to understand. He just kept smiling away at me, like the giant leprechaun that he is, and practically sauntered, whistling, down the street. "Goodbye, not my friend," he called out, his back to me. I collapsed into my car and sobbed. Then I called my therapist. I had to leave a message. I needed back up badly, a shot in the arm. Something. I called L, who knows K. She was wonderful. Without trashing him, she managed to sympathize and affirm me. I made the right decision.

She knows how he is, how he uses people up without really intending to; how he manipulates, out of tremendous need and desperation. How he leaves one feeling exhausted, emptied out. One pours so much into him--because he is open and charismatic one wants to reach out to him---but nothing comes back. He doesn't seem to give out, only to take in. It's very strange.

Thank goodness for true friends. The thing is, KD was never really a friend. We haven't known each other long enough to establish that bond. And for most of the time in the relationship, if you can call it a relationship, I felt, well, frightened, anxious, worried.

He never lied, I think. He just wanted me to be there every three or four hours. I might be the only one who will really listen to him these days. Everyone else has dropped away. I was kind to him, supportive, encouraging. Hell, I even bought his drinks last night. He bought lunch today. It's not about the money, or about who spends more, but rather about how one feels when with him. He feels good after being with me. I feel bad.

I was laughing, finally, as I was explaining it to Linda. "I've got so much pain right now with the change in my life, the end of my career in academia, the decision to give up my book--my life's work for the last ten years--why would I sign up for more? This is one pain I can actually say 'no, thank you' to.". What a revelation. You say "NO" to some pain. Some you can't avoid. Some you can. You have to walk away from that kind.

And, today, I did.