The Need

I was trying to tell myself over the weekend, which was, in fact, pleasant and excruciating, that I was not THE NEED, that THE NEED overtakes me at times. Does this make sense at all?

Does it make sense to regard a time spent as both pleasant and excruciating? When in fact the excruciating was just a dread, a clamping down on myself, a supression, a denial of what I needed, which was reassurance, and love, and support. But I had to shut it all down because he said that he didn't want to have any more "drama," any more conversations about our relationship, or the fact that we've moved too fast...

I am not the only one who propelled this relationship along at warp-speed. He pushed it as much and as quickly and as intensly as I did. And now he says he's afraid --that I'll leave him, that he'll leave me---he doesn't know which.

So I finally left. With a heavy heart. And last night he called but didn't have the energy to talk to me about this for very long. That hurt, too. What hurt the most was when he said that he knew I needed reassurance but that he couldn't give it to me now.
He also said that he "wanted this to work out," which used to mean--work out for the rest of his life (that's what he said when he was "smitten" with me)--but now I don't know what it means.

I know that I shouldn't be doing this. And that it's useless to speak of shoulds and shouldn'ts.

It would be useful to learn to speak the truth every time.

THe truth is: I have fallen in love with him. I want him to continue to feel that he is in love with me. I want his passions, his gestures, his words, his eyes, to have been telling me something real, something lasting.

I do not want to be used for sex, for good feelings, for bolstering up after a difficult break-up, to be the rebound girl.

I sense myself needing him, wanting him to reassure him, needing him to love me.

I feel as though I NEED him to love me but that is silly. I don't need HIM to love me.

I hate this feeling of being in need, of wanting more from him than he thinks/feels he can give to me. I hate this imbalance.

It is bad for me. It keeps me unstable. I do not find this a helpful situation. Feeling unstable, feeling desire and longing for someone who is "not sure" whether or not he feels desire and longing for me, or "not sure" whether his desire and longing for me is sufficient, who claims to feel inadequate to me, to my desire...

I have been here before. I know that in the past this situation, this feeling of disempowerment, of need, of dependency, of thinking all the time about what we said to each other last, of feeling an urgent need to settle this "problem," of feeling unloved, basically, unwanted, no longer desired very much...

this feeling of having been taken in, fooled, tricked, seduced...for sex, for beauty, for whatever he thinks he got from me...

but also this feeling of not being sufficiently appreciated. At least with B.A. I felt appreciated, seen, admired--he saw talent, something special, unique in me and wanted me to develop myself, he believed in me--

this I don't feel with (what is his name, now? you see, it doesn't come to me immediately. I have only known him for two months. O, now it comes to me...S.H....but what does this tell me? That I am only needing a Someone? Not him in particular? Is this not just THE PATTERN that I follow? Do I know how to love on a different track? O I would like to find a way to love and be loved for ever and ever.) So. When i ask him, "what do you love about me?" he says, "I like it that you are smart, and sexy." That's about all he has to say. Not "I like it that you like nature and getting outdoors, and cooking, and making stuff, and that you are artistic and talented, and that you can sing well..." and so on. I can name all these specific things that I like about him. I'm complimenting him all the time, always shoring him up,.... and the more he doesn't shore me up, the more I offer to him, in the hope that he'll reciprocate. But he doesn't.

So it's clear, isn't it? This is not a helpful, supportive relationship for me. I deserve to feel appreciated and loved and supported. Even by someone I've only known for two months.

It is not going to help me finish my book, for example, to hang around with someone who makes me feel this unstable, this frightened, this unhappy.

For this is not happy. I am not happy. I am sad. And I feel hurt, wounded, rejected, dis-appreciated, dismissed.